Archive for heart

Red

I am colour blind. My heart, like in black and white. Film flickering. Street lights, stage lights. The people, extras passing by. Through the window of a bar, a couple in love. A pretty girl everywhere. A glass of wine. Two, three. Voices from an open window on third. Slow, fast, slow, but without the music. A camera, a blurred photograph. Scribblings on the wall. No sense, nonsense. A night in black and white. A glass of black wine, like ink. It writes itself in colour as it keeps the rhythm. 120 bpm, inside. 60 outside. Putting on the mask for another 60. Faces and legs, the perfect picture. Painted over black and white.

The fusion of minds

I find myself in bewildered amazement. And it is a good thing. The fusion of minds is a wondrous thing. Not easy, but wondrous.

… and my heart is not at home

Some journeys start before you realize it. You just find yourself on the road to somewhere you did not know you were headed. There are times you think you are going somewhere just to find on the way that you not at all going in the direction you thought you were.  Those are the moments I find confusing. It must be like having Alzheimer’s; you suddenly forget what you are doing out there and can for your life not remember how it all started. There’s a road ahead of you and it looks like it could be interesting over there, and peeking over your shoulder there is no way going back, because you do not recognize the road behind you, so you go on.

All will be well. That’s all I know – or rather, that is what is always my guiding light. All kinds of crap might (or usually) come my way, but for some very and probably naïve reason, I still keep this faith, that all will be well. I will be very upset the day I come to the end of the road and find that it isn’t so. But then I guess it won’t matter anymore. Still, I’ll be very vexed.

I do not know why I always find myself on these roads leading somewhere. The older I get, the more I keep thinking that they do not really seem to lead anywhere. Am I going away from something or am I heading towards something? Sometimes I think that I am looking for home. I have no idea where home is. I haven’t felt at home in a very long time – if ever. I used to be longing for distant shores, but now I’m not as inclined. I just want to be at home. Again, it’s like Alzheimer’s; I forget where it is and maybe even more important: what it is.

Is that what travelling is? Looking for home? To find the pieces of the puzzle that eventually will make up one’s home? Whether it is geographical journeys or on the roads of life, I never seem to get wherever it is my home is. Every time I think I am there, it always seems to be someone else’s home and I have to turn at the door, returning to wherever it was I came from – the place I do not recognize, the place that says “home”, but looks as strange to me as it would to any stranger.

I do not know how many more roads there are ahead of me, but home better be closer than I think, because these shoes are getting worn and my feet hurt. And when I find my home I will lay down my hat, take off these shoes and rest for a while. Having done that, I will pick up where I left off and go on out again, but this time I will know where I came from and return before I get too weary. Going somewhere is easy when you have a home to return to.

Home is where my heart is and my heart is not at home…