Archive for Love

The photo booth

There is a photograph of me and the girls taken in a photo booth. It’s from one of our countless in-the-spur-of-the-moment things. Looking at the photograph, I would say that they were around the ages of 3, 5 and 7. We were wasting time at a shopping centre. We never had money to spend back then, but we went there anyway just for the fun of it. When we had had our fun and we were on our way back to the car underground, I happened to spot a photo booth. I had enough money on me for us to use the booth, so I asked the girls if they wanted to go along with the idea. Caroline shouted, “yes!” Emily said, “what do you mean?” and Sarah, in her usual manner, had not heard a word of what I said, since she was still by the escalator wanting to ride it again. We all gathered in front of the booth and looked at the different examples of photographs on the side of the booth. I told them how it worked and what was going to happen once we were inside.

A photograph from a photo booth session with my girls.

Me, Emily, Sarah and Caroline

I don’t know if you have ever been inside a photo booth, but it is a very small compartment made for one person – and barely so. I went in, lowered the seat as far down as it would go and told the girls to come in. I had Emily, the oldest, sit on my right knee; I had Caroline sit on my left knee, and finally Sarah scrambled in and placed herself in front of us. In those days you didn’t just get one picture reprinted four times on the same sheet, but four actual photographs printed on one sheet. Not one, but four really bright flashes.

The picture that I kept for myself shows an unshaved me in the back smiling, half a face of a girl on my right knee putting candy in her mouth, half a face of another girl doing her best to be seen by the camera by pushing her little sister’s head to the side, and then another little girl in the front wondering why there is a hand on the side of her face, only moments before she says, “Caro, stop pushing me!”

Each one of us has one unique photograph from that event that took place between four flashes on that day so many years ago.

Red

I am colour blind. My heart, like in black and white. Film flickering. Street lights, stage lights. The people, extras passing by. Through the window of a bar, a couple in love. A pretty girl everywhere. A glass of wine. Two, three. Voices from an open window on third. Slow, fast, slow, but without the music. A camera, a blurred photograph. Scribblings on the wall. No sense, nonsense. A night in black and white. A glass of black wine, like ink. It writes itself in colour as it keeps the rhythm. 120 bpm, inside. 60 outside. Putting on the mask for another 60. Faces and legs, the perfect picture. Painted over black and white.

The third one this evening

It used to be simple. Or so it seemed. I got what I wanted – sometimes. Or if it was that I just stumbled upon it and got lucky. Still, it never went as I wanted it to. Some things did, though. Some things did.

A tied up goat, waiting in the clearing, just moments away from its fate. What would it do if given the chance? Would it live its life differently? Would it know the difference?

Now and again there are fleeting rays. Of what, I do not know. Sometimes they seem to be like rays of the sun, but only for a moment, then they’re gone, like they were not there.

I get off the bus and walk away. The city is dark, wet and noisy. I walk home on the silent back streets. There’s rain, but I hardly feel it. A street light flickers and dies. The third one this evening. I close the door behind me, walk the few remaining steps and lie down. I breathe slowly and try to feel something good. I try to make sense. One breath at a time. Slowly, deeply.

A Single Quest

Quest. Windmills. Love. Pain. Fears. Caution. Masks. Opportunities. Moment. Passed.

Suddenly, and again, all the world’s a stage… I’m a really bad actor.

Be. Love. Simple. Hero.

The chain reaction of evil

Yesterday hatred, and/or perhaps insanity, showed its ugly face in Norway. Voices of anger and hatred are raised all over the world. I have no words of my own, so I’ll borrow a few:

“Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. […] The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.”

Martin Luther King, Jr

Sometimes it seems that love in man is buried so far down, so deep inside, that I almost lose all of my own light. I have nothing but pain and tears to offer on a day like this. But tomorrow… I’ll still be loving you.

I can feel it

The time for my walkabout draws near. I can feel it in my bones and in my heart. I gave Crazy a crack on my skull and by a few swings of her sword I was left open with an empty chest for far too long. My lifeblood returns slowly and it will not again be spent by arrows that I myself pull back. Cause and effect; from this… there is no escape.

The time for my walkabout draws near. I can feel it in my bones and in my heart. I gave Crazy a crack on my skull and by a few swings of her sword I was left open with an empty chest for far too long. My lifeblood returns slowly and it will not again be spent by arrows that I myself pull back. Cause and effect; from this… there is no escape.

Likeable friends

We all love to be liked. What is more difficult to handle is the knowledge that someone does not like you. Especially if it’s a person you like.

I’m not always the smoothest person in the room and most of the time not silent. I take up space around me. Sometimes lots of it and sometimes less, but rarely no space at all. I speak, I act, I try to be funny, I try to be intelligent, but as I am only human, sometimes these things fail.

I have many nuances and layers – like most people – and even if I do restrain myself at times, most of the time I feel safe to be myself amongst my friends. This is where it gets tricky.

My friends have friends and these friends have become friends of mine over time, or so I’d like to think. But we are friends by proxy, meaning neither of us chose each other first hand – it is because we love our first friends that we let the new friends into our lives.

In this outer ring of friends, sometimes the chemistry stumbles and gets weird. We know that we have to accept and respect each other, but occasionally the chemistry is all wrong. We might not use the same language or have any common references other than our mutual friends. So, the communication and the friendship sometimes get a bit tense. And I’m not even going to mention how all this affects our mutual friends.

For me, at least, it’s difficult because I do like to be liked by the people that I like. I even like to be liked by people that I don’t like. So, when I’m not liked, I feel that there must be something wrong with me. Of course, I know that there’s not more wrong with me than there is with anyone else, but the feeling still pops up. It’s very annoying and, to me, even a bit heart-breaking.

But I must accept this. And perhaps show them some courtesy of self-restraint. It’s just that I find it very sad that I cannot be myself around everyone – especially around the ones I love. The ones that are close to me tell me when I get to be too much and, to me, that shows a lot of love. Another thing is time. Given enough time, we will probably sort it out one way or another. Things like these have a way of not staying quiet. Either it is resolved by love and understanding, or it is resolved by distance. I much prefer the first.

Illusions of grandeur

Love ephemeral makes no sense to the human heart.